if only i could easily understand 1 6 & 9
our offblast noshowerreunion was quite a success and it was nice catching up with them. it was nice to see some change, but not all things had change.
then meeting up with josh was nice, but didnt last as long as i would have liked. and seeing justin and gunveer was nice too.
driving jimmys car was fun too.
today was quite the fun day. but i feel bad i didnt go market funding with my team.. i need to start getting on top of my funds.
but aside from all that, i started to think again. oh the joys (more like pains) of having thoughts in my head. what if, if only, i wish.. and i wish i had more love and care and selflessness so i could approach people who are obviously struggling. homeless, handicapped, stressed, andthelikes. people who have a story to share. i love hearing stories. stories of struggles, whether they have been conquered or are still struggling. stories of hope. stories other than mine. maybe one day i can be like hansol or someone who is willing to just approach someone in need and ask a few questions, to be willing to sacrifice some time at the very least.
i guess i have another prayer request now. i should probably write all these down somewhere.
and i dont know why im so scared of being judged. is it because i value people too much? or am i giving myself too much credit there? or maybe its because they are the ones who i want to impress? or maybe ive been hurt before? or maybe i think people actually care? or maybe im just a babo. who knows but hopefully ill get over it soon.
unnecessarybutterfliesinmystomach. i want everything on my timing. what a selfish thought but its pretty hard to be patient with the existence of anxiety.
just gotta pray and trust in that prayer and believe in my God.
Psalm 49. its pretty good. if only it were as easily done as it is said. during such a materialistic age its a nice reminder to be more than thankful for what i have. i have Jesus Christ and He is worth more than anything in this world. but i dont live my life in a manner that proclaims this without having to say it. if only it were easy. but at least its not impossible because God lives in me.
early mornings usually mean ddong but michael and han were more than enough good company for the early morning drive. seeing han david parker and paul again was refreshing and it was nice to be back at usc. i think housing was a success and i hope we get the house we looked at. it was pretty amazing.
then mikey came by with kat and we went hiking. yay hiking.. but through all the complaints and what not i had a good time. of course sitting in the car at the end was the most rewarding but i still had fun. innout and diddyriese were delicious and then chilling in ktown was nice. the weather was quite nice today.
then before i knew it i was back home in my bed with michael ;) jk.. kinda. we took a nap together. it was a glorious nap and i woke up refreshed and ready to go to gclub. oh and the shower i took after waking up was pretty amazing too. soon enough parker came and picked me up and it was nice talking to him again. i think we’ve come a long way since we first met and im thankful for where we are now.
at gclub it was surprisingly exciting and refreshing and joyful to see everyone again. the atmosphere was amazing. praise was amazing. prayer was amazing. message was amazing but a bit long in my opinion. sendoffprayer was super amazing and i think it gave me my first burst of excitement for missions. it was a pretty amazing gclub.
then el taurino had the pleasure of serving us delicious food. it was a good time of fellowship that i had missed. and now here i am excited for missions and full with el taurino.
its been a beautiful day spent with beautiful people all made possible through a beautiful savior.
why do i want so much attention from people? i just want the world to revolve around me. then im reminded of God and it annoys me that im so selfish so greedy so prideful. facebook tumblr aim everything seems to just be a call for attention and im addicted im stuck and cant escape i cant let go.
but on another note on the way home from ktown arms open wide was playing and the lyrics hit me:
“My whole life is Yours, I give it all
Surrendered to Your name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way, have Your way”
i had been complaining and been bitter all day but once i heard this song it made me think. who am i to complain? why do i deserve to complain? it reminded me that my life is His and i dont need to worry. im free.
but todays been one heck of a rollercoaster of emotions. happiness bitterness sadness regret joy indifference pride humility love hate anger jealousy encouragement inspiration andsomanymore. its been an interesting day and i could complain about it but whats the point of regrets. so ill say i had a good day.
so i went market funding with my friend last night and while she was at the bathroom this guy came up to me and started talking to me and turns out hes a seminary pastor/professor who teaches at china. he seemed to have this great sense of doubt in everyone believing anything he said, he even showed me pictures of the church he was preaching at on his phone. so i asked him if he had any advice or anything for me and he told me that i have to prove to the people there that this faith is real, is true and that it was not easy. he continued talking and said that the bible was not just a book written by people and was God breathed but that it also had the seal of God. he kept emphasizing that: the bible has the seal of God on it. he gave an example with his license and showed me his signature on it and said that now that his signature was on his license it was now valid and brought it back to the bible saying it had God’s signature.
this made me wonder about how i viewed the bible. this made me realize how precious the bible is. its God’s gift and ive been so ungrateful for it. but God has been good and full of grace. ive never enjoyed reading so much.
“But the Israelites said to the Lord, ‘We have sinned. Do with us whatever You think best, but please rescue us now.’ Then they got rid of the foreign gods among them and served the Lord. And He could bear Israel’s misery no longer.” - Judges 10:15-16
so i told my mom i was talking to my friend last night when i went out, whos a guy, and she immediately says “you were kissing huh”………………………………….. this woman.. its time to give up being a sj to pursue a yujahchin9 HAHA jk..
“Jesus gives us God. God is our highest treasure, our greatest delight, our deepest joy. Our most profound happiness is that God loves us, that God knows us, that God cares for us, that God has given himself to us and that we get to live for his glory. Not that we have to, but that we get to. We get to finally do the singular cause for which we were made: to glorify God.”
- Mark Driscoll
“Not that we have to, but that we get to.”
everything that makes society happy comes back to money. money money money is the only thing you can give, the only way to show you care, the only thing that matters. if only this wasnt so. words seem worthless, actions are driven by money, thoughts only go so far. i wish that old guy was right about the rapture. theres too much to worry about in this world.
or maybe im wrong and foolish and selfish and immature and dont know what im saying. maybe im just jealous. maybe my perspective is skewed. maybe im just an angry fool. or maybe im right. to an extent. or maybe im wrong. completely wrong.
i wish i was more transparent. ive been blessed with love, with a lack of struggles/battles/scars/etc, with more than i deserve. but nobody seems to know it. nobody seems to understand. nobody can see in me. i guess its because i dont show it. i have love to give, but its awkward and hard to show it so i guess i choose not to and i regret it. but thats what i have to live with. if only it was easy to change, to jump out of my comfort zone, to be humble/selfless/loving and make sacrifices for others but its not easy.
does it seem like i dont notice anything? does it seem like im oblivious? sometimes i hope so. but other times i dont. and it sucks that im the only one who knows and im the only one who can change it.
maybe im just too lazy to change or maybe im more indifferent than caring or maybe i forget about it or maybe im too prideful and stubborn or maybe i dont know how or maybe i wasnt meant to change or maybe its not me or maybe something else
i wonder what everyone thinks of me. everyones nice to me for the most part and it seems like they care. but who can i really turn to when im in need. i want to have deep long conversations with everyone and just get everything out but theres always a barrier that prevents it. what is that barrier? awkwardness pride stubbornness foolishness time money setting relationship gender humility something else? i dont know what it is but theres a wall between me and everyone else, but i know that the wall is not invincible and it can be torn down with a little bit of effort that im scared to make.
i was talking to my friend and he was saying that i act and say things to make an image for myself. to make me into someone that i want to be seen as by others. and its pretty true i guess but isnt it true for everyone? nobody really wants to be seen negatively by others right? i dont know. maybe im just naive. maybe the shallow relationships i have with everyone dont teach me anything useful.
what if i were to start all over. new setting new people new relationships. would i be able to do it? who knows.
but since that wont happen i wish i could see a glimpse of my future just a few minutes of what im like 10 years later or something.
or more realistically i wish i had a vision from God. everyones always talking about this promise they made with God. this future they have with Him. and i dont doubt them. i dont know if its real or not and it doesnt affect me. but how come i dont have this clear vision like so many others? is it because nobody has it and its all fake? or maybe im just not close enough to God yet? or maybe my future is death? who knows and only time will tell. and whatever happens its all good because i know its God’s plan.
why do i always looks at all the things i lack. i never enjoy anything and just complain. i never realize how great anything is until its gone. i live so selfishly and greedily as if the homeless people, the orphans, the people suffering are all so surreal almost imaginary and nonexistent in my world and im the only one who matters. as if im the only one suffering with this roof above my head and full stomach, but without the nice camera this other guy has and i dont. im just ungrateful and naive/oblivious sometimes.
i wish i could say and describe things the way i see them. its always hard to find the right word to describe something and whenever i mess up and say the wrong word it always comes back and reminds me that i made a mistake.
why do i have butterflies in my stomach. whats there to be nervous about. maybe confronting people? family friends others? or maybe its nothing.
dang i wish i was back in first semester of sophomore year at usc. my life was pretty much kccc. and it took away my worries. i want something to make me not worry or want other things like a yujahchin9 or money or more friends or something. i want something to make me feel contempt. and that should be Jesus. but im so selfish so lost so foolish so worldly that Jesus doenst completely fill the void in my heart at times.
nothing seems to satisfy me. playing with friends is fun and then im back home and bored or frustrated. little things bother me and frustrate me. and even when i realize i dont deserve to be frustrated im too stubborn to change my mood. i just cant help it. i need more love more Jesus.
my prayer life has been lacking. at usc i loved praying more than qt and it just seemed like the answer for everything. but now ive been enjoying reading the word but i havent enjoyed praying as much. maybe i want to spend more time out and about. maybe praying seems too introverted for me. maybe im relying on others too much for satisfaction when only God can provide. does this mean my faith is lacking? id like to think not but it doesnt matter what id like to think. i need a wake up call. a slap to the face.
i kinda wish someone gave me a list of all my imperfections and my faults so i could see how broken i am so i can change. to see all my interior and exterior faults. to see where im wrong. a list from an omniscient point of view. i want it now in my own timing but i know God has a plan for me and theres a reason for everything so i gotta be patient and have faith, but of course its not as easy as it sounds.
i wonder if people see me as spoiled as a rich kid. i like to think of myself as a simple person. i mean most of the stuff i have is free or really cheap but nobody knows that unless i tell them. i guess this kinda relates to doing things to make an image for myself in front of other people. i just want people to see me for who i really am and not make assumptions out of what i seem to be. but of course its hard its pretty much unrealistic unless i do something about it.
what if this post changed my life. what if everything i posted caused a change in everything i wanted to change. that would be pretty cool. but being passive aggressive never gets anywhere. its pretty pointless. but just maybe? nope.
i wonder what everyone will think of this post if they read it. or maybe nobody will read it. i mean whats it matter to everyone what i think. i wonder if this will change the way people see me. maybe people will read it and not say anything and just keep it to themselves. i do it all the time. its easy to pretend not to notice.
if anyone does read this and you want to say something about it just let me know. i hope this doesnt come out as a desperate call for attention or anything. i just wanted to get this out of my head for some reason. its all random thoughts in my head right now at 4am.
feel free to judge me i guess because what can i do to stop you. if i said dont judge me would you not stop judging me? i doubt it. its just our nature. but if you have something against me or against something i said just let me know and ask away. like i said earlier its hard to find the right words to describe anything and maybe its just a misinterpretation and we can go back to being the shallow friends we were before. or maybe we can go back to being the real friends we were. i dont know i hope i dont sound emo or anything. i love and value everyone in my life.
im pretty happy right now. or maybe happy is too much. i think something more like contempt. its weird how getting something out of your system can give you contempt or some other positive emotion. i wish i knew of that earlier but i was a shy awkward fool before.
i wonder how afraid of being judge i am compared to those around me. i wonder how much i judge others compared to how much others judge me/others. of course we always joke around about that so i wonder how much of that joke is true. afterall doesnt pretty much every joke have some truth in it?
a friend i met last year gave me a few books to read. and i was reading one called Humility by C.J. Mahaney and it was pretty interesting. quite a humbling read so far and i love it. its like an indirect list of all my flaws. it helps me look into the mirror and see my faults.
friends, yujahchin9s, bestfriends have been on my mind a lot lately. maybe its because i dont need to worry about school and so my mind is free to wander into different realms of worries. but in any case whats done is done and im worrying. well maybe not worrying but something like questioning? or confused about? or intrigued by? or something i dont know i just hope nobody gets the wrong idea. lets just say i want friends i want a yujahchin9 i want a bestfriend or a few bestfriends. maybe i do have some of these and i just dont realize it or my small eyes cant see it. or maybe i dont have any of these. or maybe im just being ungrateful again and greedy desiring more than i deserve or more than i can handle.
sometimes i want change. and usually i want other people to change. but if im too stubborn and prideful or something to change then why should other people change. what makes me deserve to not change? nothing of course so i need to change myself first. but thats always harder than it seems.
i dont know anything about tumblr. i wonder how real some posts are from people. like how deep or forrealsjinjahserious that post is. i mean this post is all real and its not really in the heat of the moment or anything i think. but dont remember everything i say and think that its set in stone. im still a child and my thoughts change quite frequently.
dang i wish i was sleepy so i could forget about all my worries and thoughts right now and wake up to a new day.
i wish i could read other peoples minds. i bet everyone wishes this and here i am thinking im special haha if only i knew whether or not she liked me or not. if only i knew whether he valued our friendship or not. if only i knew how much they really cared about me. if only. i guess thats life and only God can be God.
i wish my mom and i were on the same page. we always argue. we never agree. and like michael once said were the same stubborn person. i hate to admit it but its so true. my mom and i are so alike. i love to think im better more sophisticated smarter cooler and what not but nope im pretty much just like my mom. but even still we never agree on anything. oh the irony somewhat.
man i feel like ddong. maybe i ate too much today with marios and half and half. or maybe im thinking too much. or maybe im lacking sleep. so many maybes with so little answers in my small simple brain.
i wish i was more humble. even in the small things like enjoying a joke that makes fun of me instead of being so defensive. but a lot of people around me arent humble and so my worldly side kicks in and makes sure im not “below” anyone. i admire the people who can take a joke about them and enjoy it. i admire the people who only have good things to say about others. i admire those who let go of pride and serve others. the first shall be last and the last shall be first.
i seem to have lost my love for music. i still enjoy it but i dont need it or something. a lot of things have been pretty dry. a lot of things that used to not be dry are pretty dry.
maybe its time to really enjoy God. i know He can satisfy He can provide more than i need He can do anything and everything. but for some reason i cant live like that. maybe my pride is stopping me from giving up my life to Him. i dont know but i wish i could just give it all up to Him.
i wish i knew more things. more korean more architecture more about others. but im too lazy or something to make it happen. learning is hard. maybe i have adhd or maybe im just lazy. so many things i want even though theres so many things i should be grateful for.
i wish. i want. i wonder. i hope. what if. why. maybe. i dont know. thats all thats in this essayofapost. what a depressing post. a long list of things i lack and am ungrateful for rather than a longer list of things i have and should be grateful for. but i am grateful for everything whether it shows or not. im just simpleminded a simpleperson and its hard to show i care. but no matter how many times i say it actions speak louder than words.
i wonder whats in store for tomorrow. :)
nobody seems to get it or maybe i just cant explain it
why does someone elses negativity transfer to me and make me feel crappy? its pretty lame. or maybe a better question is why cant i help that person into a better mood? dang im selfish and prideful. and the worst part is i dont want to make the effort to change me. sighhh maybe someday ill be a helpful person. but until then i hope everyone knows i wish i could help but im just too immature <3
and for some reason i have butterflies in my stomach.. maybe i ate too much for dinner
“So to hear the Savior speak the word ransom and understand it rightly is to be freshly reminded and affected by our own serious and sorry state, our miserable lostness and wretched bondage to sin. We cannot free ourselves from pride and selfish ambition; a divine rescue is absolutely necessary.”
-C.J. Mahaney (Humility)
“He will not be deterred. He’s full of resolve as He keeps this appointment made in eternity past. Relentlessly He proceeds to a place, where He’ll be betrayed and arrested, where He’ll be accused and condemned, where He’ll be mocked and spit upon and flogged and ultimately executed. And there’s no hesitation, no reluctance in His steps. Though unimaginable suffering is before Him, He’s walking ahead, leading the way.”
-C.J. Mahaney (Humilty)
dang after watching fast 5 and seeing gadot come out i really wanted a yujahchin9 for some reason.. sigh. but she is quite beautiful <3